ONE

It happened just over a week ago. I was lying on my med-bed on the third floor of the local Nashville nuthouse, waiting for the Ambien to amplify all of the other shit coursing across the blood-brain barrier: Zoloft…150 mg, a zonester of there ever was one…Ativan, a 10 mg mini-pill, clicking along the mellow mental interstate like an unloaded 18-wheeler dead-heading home…and my personal favorite, Risperdal, its 1 mg packing a punch like a lead-weighted glove aimed straight at the deepest wrinkles in the old medulla oblongata. Suddenly I saw them, in Technicolor on the insides of my eyelids, these words: I am dying of a broken heart.

Don’t get me wrong. It had nothing to do with the drugs, and certainly nothing to do with checking myself into the nut for a much-needed life-recalculation and some chemical cell-tuning. No, it had been coming for a long, long time, and the only thing that had saved me until then was that tried and true foxhole fixation, Denial. I’ve been real, real good at it, Denial. After all, I’m a Truscott.

My grandfather, General Lucian King Truscott Jr., died of a broken heart. So did my father, Colonel Lucian King Truscott III. And so did my brother Francis Meriwether Truscott,  who took his life with a Tokarev pistol taken from an NVA Major in Vietnam.  The war finally got him, his wife Debbie told me on the phone the morning his body was found on the back steps of his local funeral home.  Broken hearts in the Truscott family follow broken bodies and lost lives right to the bloody fucking end.

I’ve had friends, too, who died of broken hearts. Hunter Thompson, who shot himself in his kitchen when he finally realized that what he loved as much as life itself — the fun — was over. Gore Vidal, who died in his bed never having been able to bring himself out of the Final Closet: he was for the entirety of his life a terminal romantic who lost his first love and could never allow himself to love again. And Bill Cardoso, who died with a tall Dewars and soda in hand and his loving companion Mary Miles Ryan at his side, still raging against a world in which he had no place left to write, no place that would publish his marvelous wit which he wielded with a rapier, nearly intolerable ego.

The weird thing about lying in the dark full of drugs in a nuthouse realizing that you’re dying of a broken heart is how good it feels. It’s soft and psychically comfy to finally realize that where you are and what you are feeling has roots in family tradition, and looked at in that way, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re a Truscott. Of course your heart is broken. Of course you’re going to die. The two go together like gin and tonic.

And the truly awful thing is that you can’t figure it the fuck out, which will be the subject of this blog/book/facebook/whateverthefuckit is. This is how far I’ve gotten: my first inkling that all was not well in TruscottWorld happened along the Jalalabad Road in eastern Afghanistan at the bottom of the Mahi Par Pass in May of 2004. It was 3:00 a.m., and I was standing behind two busloads of armed Taliban fighters headed west for Kabul holding AK’s with blood on their minds and bullets in their ammunition pouches, and at that moment I knew more by sheer unadulterated happenstance about the military intentions of the Taliban and the intelligence apparatus of al Qaeda than the entire United States Army, and I was standing there looking up through the towering walls of the pass at a thin slice of the starlit sky, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs: when do I get paid? Where the fuck is my check?

Leave a comment

23 Comments

  1. Dennis Pogany BOTL "69

     /  October 19, 2012

    I love your writing, Buddy!!! Have done them all…

    Reply
  2. Patricia

     /  October 20, 2012

    This is vintage Lucian! Great! I’m on to #2. xxpb

    Reply
  3. BJ Kramer

     /  November 17, 2012

    Wow. I will be very interested to see how you deal with this. Good luck Mr T.

    Reply
  4. Great insights. My father’s WWII general, James Gavin, found my paratrooper dad wandering lost and scared in the hedgerows on D-Day, a scene that was portrayed inaccurately about my father in The Longest Day. I enjoy your writing.

    Reply
  5. rwshaffer49

     /  November 18, 2012

    Sir, I got here from the NY Times article because I’ve always known what you wrote is true. So much needs said- so little time to say it all.

    Reply
    • Please stop calling me sir. The last time I was entitled to that honorific was 1970 when I was a Second Lieutenant in the Army. Glad you’re here, though.

      Reply
  6. like rwshaffer49 says . . .

    Reply
  7. michael blum

     /  November 28, 2012

    Heart, mind & soul written with your gonads dipped in ink. Exciting stuff.

    Reply
  8. Going Buckner

     /  December 29, 2012

    Great piece scoping out the terrain. Your Dad was my CO with Easy Co., 21st Infantry, Camp Wood, Japan so I was there when YOU WERE BORN as a self-described “army brat…”

    Reply
    • Mom told me they nicknamed me First Sergeant, more for my ability to yell than for being the first American baby born in occupied Japan. Still fits.

      Reply
  9. Did you know John G. Clancy esq, as well?

    Reply
  10. James Fecsin

     /  June 2, 2015

    Hi, Lucien, I was a pal of yours in Nellingen Kaserne back in the day. I tried to contact you once before. But nothing came of it.

    Reply
    • Hey, James. Nice to hear from you! Look me up on facebook and send me a message and we’ll get in touch.

      Reply
  11. Tom Copeland

     /  July 31, 2015

    Hi, I served as Company Commander with the 9th Div under your Father and formed the Company at Fort Riley and when he learned of my command time he moved me to Staff. . I admired and respected him as a leader and as a gentleman .
    felt he considered me the same. The last time we saw him and your mom was in New Mexico,. He and your Mom insisted that me and my wife spend the night in their home… which we did,and went to Santa Fe for breakfast at “The Compound” you Dads choice restaurant. We spent the last night dancing and enjoying our time together. but we did sort of stay in touch the last time was when he lived in Washington State after the sad passing of Ann.. I plan on visiting Monticello this fall, You will know when you see a rock on his headstone. I treasure every moment that was spent with your Dad and Mom as well, I will never forget those 10 pm call at Fort Riley after being up since 3 am asking us to join him and your Mom at the club for a night cap. ( he knew better but enjoyed it )
    I have enjoyed your books, and I remember the first one,,and we laughed about how much of a hit it must have been at West Point
    my best regards
    Tom Copeland

    Reply
  12. John J. Johnston

     /  October 2, 2016

    Hello Luc, It is hard not to call you by your fathers nickname, but then your Aunt Dixie, my Mother and I loved him so much. (I am your cousin John Joseph. Ugh, another damned relative and a cousin at that). But, the person that I felt totally at ease with was Ann. She liked me and I don’t think she liked a lot of people. You have never met me and probably know nothing of me. I was the family maverick and remain so. I have so many memories and stories, and everyone, not imagined or made up and certainly not tainted. In my life Lucian and Ann were what made my Mothers life a little better. Uncle Bud, well he was exactly like I knew he would be when I first met him and Aunt Sarah never forgot us. The pump-up rockets at Christmas time I will never forget. Uncle Bud said Aunt Sarah actually purchased them herself so she must have cared, but she was rather aloof and kind of fragile timid yet tenacious. I don’t know why she put up with me because I kind of liked pulling her chain because she was so good at knowing the difference between torment and a tease and I loved to have her attention. I loved Frank, he was such a brilliant and sweet guy and he and I or at least I did, had a wonderful time knowing him and then it just ended.He came home with us to my Mother and Dads home after Lucian Hamner, my Brother and Ruth were killed. My Mother adored him and everyone knew class in our family when we saw it and he had a lot of class. A really nice human being and I will always remember him as my friend. My wife Estela loved him as well. I was around when you had your first publication and was there when your success was beginning and Luc was railing about how his people were supposed to call your people for your coming to see him and making the arrangements. He was a little excited, lol. Mother and Ann just almost rode that good horse to death because when he was on a rant , it was a real rant and wide open to torment which Mother and Ann were very sharp witted to deliver.
    I miss those years, I miss those family friends and loved ones and the antics which were always on the move and of course we gave pretty much as good as we got.
    Getting old Luc. I am in the book in zip 77539. I have your Aunt Dixie’s book that she started writing, (this family just can’t stop talking even if we have to write it huh, and we do write, just like this little dissertation. We were upstate here a few years back for a couple of years, but you were in the SE living and then we did a tour in the SE and by then you had moved to SHNY and we just lost you. Estela and I send you our love. John

    Reply
  13. John J. Johnston

     /  October 20, 2016

    Trying to send you a note Luc. John J. Johnston – Aunt Dixie’s son

    Reply
  14. HEATHER LENAHAN (BUNTE)

     /  October 29, 2016

    LUCIAN, MY MOTHER AND FATHER WERE FRIENDS WITH MARY (WILBURN) BRUCE. I REMEMBER MARY, SHE TOOK CARE OF ME IN ITALY FOR A WHILE AND GAVE ME BOOKS TO READ FROM HER LIBRARY SUCH AS ALICE IN WONDERLAND. WHEN I OPENED THE BOOK A TINY LEATHER GLOVE BELONGING TO THE WHITE RABBIT DROPPED OUT. SHE WAS WONDERFUL. I REMEMBER HAVING DINNER WITH YOUR GRANDFATHER, GENERAL TRUSCOTT IN FRANKFURT. DAD AND MOTHER WERE GUESTS FOR THE EVENING WITH THE TRUSCOTTS. THERE IS MUCH MORE.

    I JUST DISCOVERED THAT MARY IS BURIED IN THE MONTECELLO GRAVE YARD.
    SHE IS IN A WONDERFUL PLACE.

    REGARDS,

    MRS. HEATHER ALLERTON BUNTE LENAHAN BORN 1944 TO MARIE AND DONALD BUNTE. DAD IS NOW AT ARLINGTON NATIONAL

    Reply
  15. Lucian, did you ever know an instructor at West Point named William Haas class of 55

    Reply
  16. Hi–Reaching out discovering reference to Bill Cardoso. I’m assistant to Lily Pilgrim, widow of Earle M. Pilgrim, an artist who was close to Mr. Cardoso. Please contact me. Best regards, Peter Stebbins

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: